American toilets suck. They really are the worst.

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the good old Royal Doulton porcelain throne. American toilets suck. Let me clarify. Firstly, there’s the issue of height. As a subject of the Commonwealth, I am used to sitting gracefully, pondering life’s deepest meaning from a comfortable perch, some sixty to seventy centimeters above the mankish, urine splattered floors of a pub/airport/workplace/home. Without exaggeration, the American toilets are much lower to the ground. This alone isn’t an issue. The problem comes in terms of water level ratio – for these are not proportionate. No, the water level is as high as the Anglo loo, while the bowl is much lower. This creates a problem in terms of the grand finale. When in wipe mode, one who is used to the Imperial measure may find themselves dipping into the unholiest of waters with every dainty swipe.

The US model – wide and shallow

The Australian model – deep and splash resistant

Then comes the flush.

If there has ever been a more terrifying noise, I am yet to hear it. The effluent doesn’t get taken to treatment plant. Every New York toilet is a direct conduit to hell. And when I said that they suck, I mean it. At the press of a full flush, it pulls the contents of the bowl out faster than a hole in a jumbo jet. Seriously. The suction is nuts. If you lingered too long on the seat, you’d be sucked right down to Harry Potter’s Ministry of Magic. Sure it’s toilet humor, but be warned, because that first unlucky dip of the fingers is no laughing matter!

Anyone in there?

Finally, they haven’t yet discovered the concept of a locking mechanism that shows whether the toilet is vacant or engaged. Instead, they have doors that leave a half an inch opening on both sides (this half inch is usually closer to a full inch) to allow other people to peer in and see if the cubicle is in use. The experience removes the privacy from privation.

US toilet doors = no privacy

 

Then again…

Maybe we should just be glad people use them here at all.